Hello Juliana, this is beautifully and tenderly written. I am going through the grief and loss of a relationship that I thought would rise above our differences. The yearning to see them and feel their presence has, at times, been overwhelming. I refuse to give in to the urge to reach out, knowing full well that is not my space anymore. The sense of rejection and injustice I'm feeling is natural, and I'm okay sitting with these emotions. There is no switch to stop thoughts of her. I hold space in my heart for her, but over time she won't take up all the space; it will make room for an expansion of love—one that is more aligned with my needs and offers safety
Hello Juliana, thank you so much for sharing so openly and with such integrity, these feelings and experiences you are moving through. I am reminded of a relationship that ended very abruptly and unexpectedly for me some years back. It was such a shocking experience for my mind, body and heart to receive. I felt physically like I was burning. I also recall some feelings of panic during 'the conversation'. (The fact that I am using the word 'recall' is indicative that those feelings are in the past and I am now using memory to reflect on experiencing them). My way to cope and process what I was experiencing at the time was to fully accept the changing circumstances and to focus on sending love to the other person in the choices they were making for their life. I also focused on sending love to others who were involved in the situation (who were deeply influential in the decision of my ex-lover to leave). I found that by focusing on sending them all love and trying to recognise that they were all on their paths through life as I was on mine, really really helped my own processing. I am aware that as I write this, it may seem almost 'noble' that I am saying this was my process and that it was such an easy and natural thing for me to accept and embrace the situation and those involved. It was not. I was utterly heartbroken. But this, I felt, had to be my focus. I had to see my life and existence as a cog in the huge wheel of existence through time gone, the present, and into the infinite future. A surreal experience began to unfold as I was sending this love every day, every hour (every minute when I was feeling truly in the waves of deep sorrow) - I began to feel such love, universal love, literally pouring into me, channelling through me - not only replenishing and recharging me but coming in abundance and filling me. If I had read this as a 'tip' for dealing with the grief of a relationship break-up, I think I would have through "well, I'll give it a go, it sounds like a good theory". However, I hadn't, I just felt compelled to do this, it felt like it just came to me to do it and that I had to fully commit to it, for everyone involved's sake. I felt I was directed to process in this way and it was mind-blowingly effective. I am grateful to you for both sharing these tender times you are experiencing and for prompting me to reflect on a time in my life (and what I can bring from that into my present too). A gentle hug coming your way if/when you want it too.
That's amazing Bil! Talk about radical acceptance... I think you seemed to instinctively know how to short-circuit some of the prolonging of the agony of the grief-work. Your experience has got me thinking about mine. I can send the agape kind of love out, and often real continued love of the more personal sort - an extension of the love that I had in the relationship. I can certainly get that this was not 'on purpose' and that people are doing their best to keep existing in the cogs in the wheel. That really helps. I'm not sure I'm ready to relinquish all the anger. Perhaps that is helping me in protecting the wound, not actively opening up again. But holding on tight to anger might over-protect and not allow the wound fresh air. I wonder?!
Your response to my post helps give me courage in my process - and also to keep writing. Thank you dear Bil.
Wow this really made me feel seen in a way that many people around me don’t. So many people think I should be completely over my breakup 4 months out, but I am still working through how much love I carry for him. Thank you for sharing your words!
Your words carry such care for the inner world and for the patience it takes to move through something that cannot be rushed. I love how you trust the process without forcing answers or trying to rush the outcome. There is so much gentleness in the way you allow both love and loss to exist without trying to erase either. It feels deeply respectful of your own experience and growth.
Yes - if there is one thing I have learnt from my work it is that respecting one's own experience is vital for growth. I liked what you said in your last comment 'emotions know how to move when given space'... lovely - thank you.
Juliana, I appreciate this write up more than you know. I left a 6 year relationship this last October. I still am in the wave pool of grief, swimming fine in the day to day with the occasionally rocking of waves when sadness and even anger enter in. I find myself being impatient with the time that it's taken me to move through the emotions and grief of ending that chapter of life. But I know that it's difficult because what I felt was real and the love I shared was real. Thank you for sharing this very real human experience.
I too use the word 'waves' - and feel impatient. But I'm no longer using the word roller-coaster - so that is a good thing - a bit calmer! Thank you for your words that resonate so much.
Jamie has given me your blog to read. You write so eloquently about the non linear process of grief at the end of a relationship. Thank you for sharing your insights. I too am finding my way at the end of a long-term relationship. A few months into the journey, I’m trying to find the beauty of living in the ‘and’. On a daily basis, I seem to move between grief and joy, longing and letting go, fear and excitement for the future. It feels like a process of unravelling and in the transition, I’m slowly finding a way back to myself. I’m letting this just be a beginning, holding the ‘and’ with tenderness and compassion, as a new chapter begins to emerge.
It's so lovely to hear from you Annie, and thank you for your thoughtful response... I love the phrase 'living in the and' - I've been thinking a lot about this recently, and what a relief it can be not to resolve paradoxes, but to inhabit them. And I also love the idea of grief being like a beginning, and a way of finding a way back to self. It's certainly not always easy though!
This sentence—“I cannot flick a switch to stop my brain from reaching out. I still seek the co-regulation I once had in the relationship. The attachment is ruptured, but my nervous system does not yet fully compute.”—is excellent.
I’m a therapist writing a book on breakups and just subscribed. Appreciate this work.
How interesting - it's a book I'd love to read - I'll subscribe to your Substack and look forward to hearing more.
Thank you for your feedback on my sentence. That's just how it feels. I wish so much that I could fast forward. On the other hand, there's so much growth and learning in this, maybe the pain is worth it.
Hi Juliana, just experienced the same thing at the same time and sought internet advice. The dual process model emerged completely instinctively, and it’s so ratifying to look at that visual.
I think my main guiding principle in all of this has been the pursuit of truth: no self-delusion, and no “cope”. I don’t want to succumb to the post break-up vengeful defensiveness tactics: finding new lovers to fill the void or strategically flaunt/posting thirst traps/what have you. On the other end of this, I also don’t want to be overly agreeable and forgiving for the sake of civility. I want to ensure my actions and words perfectly reflect my state of mind with no deceptions. If I must cry and want to bargain, I must. If a stranger’s attention flatters me, it does. If I have to express anger and disappointment, I will (in the agreed avenues of communication). I am committed to not pretending otherwise. Congruence here is indeed the goal. Thank you for your piece!
It seems we are processing this very similarly. When I read your thoughtful words, I see that maybe, like me, you are claiming your narrative. Thank you Pranya.
This is so beautifully expressed Juliana. It resonates with something I have been grappling with over Christmas (a topic of conversation for our next walk I reckon, I’m finding it a fascinating but disorientating process). I hope you continue on your journey and that one day soon the balance tips towards joy xxx
I look forward to our next walk! Disorientating is an interesting word - that's how I've felt initially - writing the blog has helped me find my truth and find myself better orientated. Thanks Lynne
Thanks ylime. I'm 5 months into my breakup now - and experiencing that the love doesn't go anywhere. Thanks for sharing too.
I think it's complicated, as if there is an expectation that I can (or even should) eradicate him from my life, which feels counterintuitive if you've loved.
My one consolation is that having loved deeply, I will grieve deeply, and my capacity to love as deep again is intact
I believe the answer is to grow your life around the loss (not eradicate it), so that the loss is less huge compared to all the authentic living you do. I'm doing that, but it's a slow work, and takes more than 4 or 5 months.
I wish you courage in a long and tough old process.
Hello Juliana, this is beautifully and tenderly written. I am going through the grief and loss of a relationship that I thought would rise above our differences. The yearning to see them and feel their presence has, at times, been overwhelming. I refuse to give in to the urge to reach out, knowing full well that is not my space anymore. The sense of rejection and injustice I'm feeling is natural, and I'm okay sitting with these emotions. There is no switch to stop thoughts of her. I hold space in my heart for her, but over time she won't take up all the space; it will make room for an expansion of love—one that is more aligned with my needs and offers safety
This resonates so much.
Hello Juliana, thank you so much for sharing so openly and with such integrity, these feelings and experiences you are moving through. I am reminded of a relationship that ended very abruptly and unexpectedly for me some years back. It was such a shocking experience for my mind, body and heart to receive. I felt physically like I was burning. I also recall some feelings of panic during 'the conversation'. (The fact that I am using the word 'recall' is indicative that those feelings are in the past and I am now using memory to reflect on experiencing them). My way to cope and process what I was experiencing at the time was to fully accept the changing circumstances and to focus on sending love to the other person in the choices they were making for their life. I also focused on sending love to others who were involved in the situation (who were deeply influential in the decision of my ex-lover to leave). I found that by focusing on sending them all love and trying to recognise that they were all on their paths through life as I was on mine, really really helped my own processing. I am aware that as I write this, it may seem almost 'noble' that I am saying this was my process and that it was such an easy and natural thing for me to accept and embrace the situation and those involved. It was not. I was utterly heartbroken. But this, I felt, had to be my focus. I had to see my life and existence as a cog in the huge wheel of existence through time gone, the present, and into the infinite future. A surreal experience began to unfold as I was sending this love every day, every hour (every minute when I was feeling truly in the waves of deep sorrow) - I began to feel such love, universal love, literally pouring into me, channelling through me - not only replenishing and recharging me but coming in abundance and filling me. If I had read this as a 'tip' for dealing with the grief of a relationship break-up, I think I would have through "well, I'll give it a go, it sounds like a good theory". However, I hadn't, I just felt compelled to do this, it felt like it just came to me to do it and that I had to fully commit to it, for everyone involved's sake. I felt I was directed to process in this way and it was mind-blowingly effective. I am grateful to you for both sharing these tender times you are experiencing and for prompting me to reflect on a time in my life (and what I can bring from that into my present too). A gentle hug coming your way if/when you want it too.
That's amazing Bil! Talk about radical acceptance... I think you seemed to instinctively know how to short-circuit some of the prolonging of the agony of the grief-work. Your experience has got me thinking about mine. I can send the agape kind of love out, and often real continued love of the more personal sort - an extension of the love that I had in the relationship. I can certainly get that this was not 'on purpose' and that people are doing their best to keep existing in the cogs in the wheel. That really helps. I'm not sure I'm ready to relinquish all the anger. Perhaps that is helping me in protecting the wound, not actively opening up again. But holding on tight to anger might over-protect and not allow the wound fresh air. I wonder?!
Your response to my post helps give me courage in my process - and also to keep writing. Thank you dear Bil.
Wow this really made me feel seen in a way that many people around me don’t. So many people think I should be completely over my breakup 4 months out, but I am still working through how much love I carry for him. Thank you for sharing your words!
Thank you for this. I’m also experiencing break-up grief, the oscillations, all of it.
I wish you courage with all the grief work. Much self-care called for!
Your words carry such care for the inner world and for the patience it takes to move through something that cannot be rushed. I love how you trust the process without forcing answers or trying to rush the outcome. There is so much gentleness in the way you allow both love and loss to exist without trying to erase either. It feels deeply respectful of your own experience and growth.
Yes - if there is one thing I have learnt from my work it is that respecting one's own experience is vital for growth. I liked what you said in your last comment 'emotions know how to move when given space'... lovely - thank you.
Juliana, I appreciate this write up more than you know. I left a 6 year relationship this last October. I still am in the wave pool of grief, swimming fine in the day to day with the occasionally rocking of waves when sadness and even anger enter in. I find myself being impatient with the time that it's taken me to move through the emotions and grief of ending that chapter of life. But I know that it's difficult because what I felt was real and the love I shared was real. Thank you for sharing this very real human experience.
I too use the word 'waves' - and feel impatient. But I'm no longer using the word roller-coaster - so that is a good thing - a bit calmer! Thank you for your words that resonate so much.
Hello Juliana,
Jamie has given me your blog to read. You write so eloquently about the non linear process of grief at the end of a relationship. Thank you for sharing your insights. I too am finding my way at the end of a long-term relationship. A few months into the journey, I’m trying to find the beauty of living in the ‘and’. On a daily basis, I seem to move between grief and joy, longing and letting go, fear and excitement for the future. It feels like a process of unravelling and in the transition, I’m slowly finding a way back to myself. I’m letting this just be a beginning, holding the ‘and’ with tenderness and compassion, as a new chapter begins to emerge.
It's so lovely to hear from you Annie, and thank you for your thoughtful response... I love the phrase 'living in the and' - I've been thinking a lot about this recently, and what a relief it can be not to resolve paradoxes, but to inhabit them. And I also love the idea of grief being like a beginning, and a way of finding a way back to self. It's certainly not always easy though!
This sentence—“I cannot flick a switch to stop my brain from reaching out. I still seek the co-regulation I once had in the relationship. The attachment is ruptured, but my nervous system does not yet fully compute.”—is excellent.
I’m a therapist writing a book on breakups and just subscribed. Appreciate this work.
How interesting - it's a book I'd love to read - I'll subscribe to your Substack and look forward to hearing more.
Thank you for your feedback on my sentence. That's just how it feels. I wish so much that I could fast forward. On the other hand, there's so much growth and learning in this, maybe the pain is worth it.
Hi Juliana, just experienced the same thing at the same time and sought internet advice. The dual process model emerged completely instinctively, and it’s so ratifying to look at that visual.
I think my main guiding principle in all of this has been the pursuit of truth: no self-delusion, and no “cope”. I don’t want to succumb to the post break-up vengeful defensiveness tactics: finding new lovers to fill the void or strategically flaunt/posting thirst traps/what have you. On the other end of this, I also don’t want to be overly agreeable and forgiving for the sake of civility. I want to ensure my actions and words perfectly reflect my state of mind with no deceptions. If I must cry and want to bargain, I must. If a stranger’s attention flatters me, it does. If I have to express anger and disappointment, I will (in the agreed avenues of communication). I am committed to not pretending otherwise. Congruence here is indeed the goal. Thank you for your piece!
It seems we are processing this very similarly. When I read your thoughtful words, I see that maybe, like me, you are claiming your narrative. Thank you Pranya.
This is so beautifully expressed Juliana. It resonates with something I have been grappling with over Christmas (a topic of conversation for our next walk I reckon, I’m finding it a fascinating but disorientating process). I hope you continue on your journey and that one day soon the balance tips towards joy xxx
I look forward to our next walk! Disorientating is an interesting word - that's how I've felt initially - writing the blog has helped me find my truth and find myself better orientated. Thanks Lynne
Thanks ylime. I'm 5 months into my breakup now - and experiencing that the love doesn't go anywhere. Thanks for sharing too.
I think it's complicated, as if there is an expectation that I can (or even should) eradicate him from my life, which feels counterintuitive if you've loved.
My one consolation is that having loved deeply, I will grieve deeply, and my capacity to love as deep again is intact
I believe the answer is to grow your life around the loss (not eradicate it), so that the loss is less huge compared to all the authentic living you do. I'm doing that, but it's a slow work, and takes more than 4 or 5 months.
I wish you courage in a long and tough old process.